Creating Healthy Boundaries With An Addict
When people first begin the boundary setting process, they often focus on their External Boundaries because they really want the other person’s behavior to change. These External Boundaries are the do’s and don’ts of recovery—what we will/will not allow. The problem is, these External Boundaries flow out of our Internal Boundaries (what we’re telling ourselves), so it’s important to focus on our Internal Boundaries first. If we don’t, we may have a difficult time setting and keeping healthy External Boundaries.
When people first begin the boundary setting process, they often focus on their External Boundaries because they really want the other person’s behavior to change. These External Boundaries are the do’s and don’ts of recovery—what we will/will not allow. The problem is, these External Boundaries flow out of our Internal Boundaries (what we’re telling ourselves), so it’s important to focus on our Internal Boundaries first. If we don’t, we may have a difficult time setting and keeping healthy External Boundaries.
Being in a relationship with an Addict can make it difficult to feel valuable since it’s hard not to personalize the addictive behavior, and in many cases the Addict blames the Partner for his/her behavior. When we believe a false reality about ourselves it makes maintaining healthy boundaries almost impossible. It’s vital that we don’t hand over the keys of our worth to the Addict, for if we do, and then displease or anger them with the healthy boundaries we’ve set, it will be difficult to keep them. We may feel that their approval is more important than keeping our boundaries and we may end up betraying ourselves by backing away from needed change. Or we may get confused and believe the Addict’s reality instead of our own, buying into their distortion that we are being controlling or unreasonable when we try to set boundaries.
Brené Brown says, “The most compassionate people are the most boundaried people.” This may seem like an oxymoron, but it’s hard to come from a place of compassion when we don’t have good boundaries in place. We feel powerless and helpless so we are hurt and angry much of the time. Boundaries can be a loving act even if they don’t feel loving to the person we’re setting them with. We can say to the Addict: “I love myself enough, I love you enough, and I love our relationship enough to set and keep healthy boundaries.”
With this in mind, here are some good questions to ask yourself as you begin the process of working on your boundaries:
Who is this boundary for? (Am I trying to protect myself or control the Addict’s behavior?)
Am I acting out of a place of worth or trying to change the Addict so I can feel valuable?
Our therapists are trained to help you navigate the courageous work of learning how to love, and also maintain healthy boundaries for yourself.
