Conflict resolution in Couples

Arguing is not inherently bad. It can be a chance to clear the air, explore differences, and share expectations, feelings and needs. In fact, given that no two individuals are alike, misunderstandings are inevitable, and conflict is a natural and healthy part of a relationship. When conflict is done right, couples often feel more closely connected to each other. What differentiates healthy from unhealthy conflict is whether it can be resolved in a respectful manner and in which everyone can safely participate.

Fighting well requires that couples give up the illusion that there is one right way and one wrong way to see a situation. The deeper issues that drive conflict are rarely about the content of the fight—cleanliness, the kids, or politics. Instead, they’re about the beliefs, fears, longings that get triggered over and over.

When emotions are high, many couples subconsciously slip into a cycle of blame-shame-defend, where the person receiving the feedback feels blamed or attacked. This moves the receiving partner into a defensive stance, which causes the initiating partner to feel misunderstood, invalidated, and alone in his or her own pain. A painful set up of cat and mouse ensues.

Consider a spouse that longs to connect with her husband after a busy day apart. As she shares about her stressful day, she notices that her husband doesn’t look up from his phone. She accuses, “You’re always on your phone.” He responds, “No, I’m not, you’re on your phone way more than I am!” They end up in an argument about technology, missing the real issue beneath the surface – she wanted to connect with her husband, and when he didn’t look up to meet her in that middle space, she feared that this meant she didn’t matter to him.

To break free from this painful cycle, consider the following steps:

Don’t put things off

• Conflict and resentment build when allowed to simmer.

Declare your good intentions

• I want us to be closer.

Make space for two perspectives

• You don’t need to perceive something the same way; you only need to understand each other.

Stick to the topic

• Resist the urge to bring up a laundry list of other concerns you have at the same time.

Return to fear and longing

• Consider what longing or fear is underneath your or your partner’s criticism – name this instead.

Take a break when needed

• No conversation will be effective if tension is too high.

Be accountable for your role in creating a negative cycle

• This can immediately de-escalate tension and invite in joint accountability: “I’m sorry I started this conversation by blaming you. That wasn’t fair of me.